A Loving Marriage

Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me? What Am I Doing Wrong?

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husband hates meHave you ever asked yourself any of the following questions?

Why doesn’t my husband love me? What is wrong with me? Am I unlovable?

If you have, please know you are not alone and there is a way to have the loving marriage you’re looking for. 

Many other couples are in the same boat.

Just look at today’s divorce rates. Some experts estimate that as many as 50% of marriages end in divorce.

A common reason for divorce is, “Even though we each respect the other, we no longer love each other. The spark we used to have is gone.”

Another common reason is, “Though we still love each other, there’s been too much hurt between us to ever get back to where we used to be”.

So what should you do? How can you rekindle the spark you once had?

What should you do if your husband doesn’t love you?

Stop Waiting for Things to Change

What I finally recognized in my own relationship is, if I am not happy in my marriage and don’t feel like my husband loves me, it is up to ME to change it.

Too many people, including myself, stay miserable thinking, “When are things going to change? Please let this be the year!”.

Chances are nothing will change unless you MAKE it happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying make your husband love you. You can’t force someone to love you.

However, in many cases, lack of love isn’t the underlying problem.

Many marriages fail, not because a couple doesn’t love each other, but because one or both don’t feel loved by the other.

It is very possible, and common, for a husband to love his wife (and vice versa) while his wife is 100% sure he doesn’t.

This is exactly what happened to me and I’m sorry to say, it took me several years to understand why I felt unloved in my relationship.

It didn’t have to take years. I could have had the answer from day one, but it took me years to get to the point where I decided I’d had enough.

It took me years to decide I was going to do something about it and fix it no matter what!

I’d wasted too much time feeling hurt, miserable, and unloved.

Leaving Is NOT the Answer

As you start looking for answers, don’t let leaving be an option.

Too many people stay in their marriage feeling unloved and decide that the answer is a new partner. Somebody new that truly loves them.

They don’t see change happening in their current relationship and decide a divorce is their only chance at true happiness.

I want to strongly encourage you to make up your mind that leaving is not an option.

This means you CAN NOT threaten to leave. You can’t even allow the thought to dwell in your mind.

Once you make that decision, it forces you to realize, if you want to be happy, you have to give all you are to finding a way to create a loving relationship.

It forces you to understand what is going on in your marriage and what is missing.

Remember, it is possible to have the marriage you’re looking for if you’re willing to work for it.

If You Feel Unloved, 1 of 2 Cases is Probably True

If you feel unloved by your husband, one of two cases is usually true.

In one case, like I mentioned above, your husband really does love you, but you don’t feel loved. The problem is a lack of communication.

The second case is, maybe he really doesn’t feel love towards you anymore.

It happens. Especially if you’ve been in a relationship for awhile where one of you feels unloved by the other. The one feeling unloved often starts to feel they don’t love the other either.

Before jumping to the conclusion that your husband doesn’t love you (and if he doesn’t that still isn’t the end), give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that the problem is a lack of communication.

Why Do You Think Your Husband Doesn’t Love You

Start by asking yourself, “Why do I think my husband doesn’t love me?”

“What is he doing, or not doing, that makes me feel unloved?”

To help you answer these questions, there is a book I read a book a while back that really changed my perspective on love. I’d highly, highly recommend it for any couple experiencing any of these issues in their marriage.

The book is, “The 5 Love Languages“, by Gary Chapman.

Chapman is a marriage counselor who saw couple after couple in his office who were close to divorce because one or both of them didn’t feel loved. They thought there was no hope for their future.

He started to ask his clients the same questions I just asked you. He asked them what made them feel unloved? What did they feel like they needed in order to feel loved?

After some time, he recognized that each person defines love differently. Some people see gift giving as love, others see physical touch as love.

As he worked with his clients, Chapman narrowed his client’s definitions of love down to 5 love languages that people speak.

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Giving Gifts
  4. Quality Time
  5. Physical Touch

A good percentage of the problems his clients had stemmed from the husband and wife having different love languages.

For example, maybe a wife sees quality time as the most important way to show love, but the husband feels like giving gifts is the way to show love.

In this case, the husband might shower his wife with gifts but neglect to give her the quality time she really needs to feel important.

Maybe it’s the other way around. The wife tries to spend quality time with her husband but rarely gives him anything meaningful to show her love.

As Chapman describes it, couples in this state quickly end up with an “empty love tank”.

Both the husband’s and wife’s acts of love go unnoticed and the giver sees the acts as unappreciated or unwanted.

This leaves one, or both parties, unhappy and is one of the big reasons many people feel stuck in a loveless marriage and turn to divorce.

Chapman’s book describes each of the 5 Love Languages in detail and helps you to identify your own love language.

All or most of the love languages might be important to you, but there is usually only one that you have to have in your marriage or you will always feel unloved.

After helping you identify your own love language, Chapman discusses in great detail what will make a person speaking any of his five languages feel loved. More importantly, he also discusses what you SHOULD NOT DO for spouses with each language.

As you read the chapter that discusses your love language, you will know it!

When I read my own, I cried because the scenarios described lined up perfectly with the feelings I had.

I finally started to consider that maybe my husband really did love me, but he was showing it through his love language instead of mine.

The book contains several stories of couples going through these struggles. In each case, Chapman sat down with the couple and helped each one to identify their own love languages. Once they had, he gave them the instructions specific to their love language that would make them both feel loved.

The difference this made for each couple, was phenomenal. It didn’t take much time either!

Again, I’d highly recommend you purchase his book and use it to start building a loving marriage today!

What If My Husband Really Doesn’t Love Me

As I said above, in some relationships a husband and/or wife really have fallen out of love with each other.

They no longer have the strong feelings of love they had in the beginning.

If this is the case in your marriage, what can you do? Surely, there’s no coming back if the love is lost is there?

The first place to start looking for answers is in the mirror.

You might feel that you are not the problem, and maybe you really aren’t.

Remember though, you have no control over another person’s actions/feelings. You can’t make your husband love you or treat you the way you want to be treated.

By looking inwards though, you have more power over the outcome of your relationship then you can imagine.

Do You Love Your Husband?

If you feel your husband doesn’t love you, ask yourself, “Do I love my husband?”

Don’t just say yes, of course I do. Really analyze yourself and your behavior towards him to answer the question.

When I’m asking if you love your husband, I mean do you actively love your husband?

What have you done this week, month, or year to show your love towards him?

Do you know his love language? Do you know what makes him feel loved and go out of your way to show him in those ways?

Today, love is believed to be an intense feeling that draws two people together.

This is unfortunate because it encourages a misconception that “love just happens if people are meant to be together”.

Have you heard the saying, “If it was meant to be, it’ll work itself out?”

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

It implies that love doesn’t take daily work and attention to keep it strong. It implies, “Love just happens”.

Love should be defined as an action. If you love someone, you don’t just feel love towards them, you show love towards them.

A great book that really stresses this is Zig Ziglar’s, “Courtship After Marriage“. 

put love back in marriage

In his book, Zig talks about the importance of courting your husband/wife after marriage.

Many people fall in love and, in the beginning, they court each other and would do anything for the other.

However, once they marry, people often grow accustomed to their spouse and don’t realize those feelings of love require constant nurturing.

They fall victim to habits and forget to show their love and appreciation for their spouse.

Courtship and actions of love are even more important after your marriage. Without them, you’ll inevitably become another couple in a loveless marriage.

Zig talks about his own marriage to his wife Jean and explains how they kept their marriage strong throughout their years together.

His book is filled with incredible advice to help any couple having problems.

Whether your problems are due to lost feelings, hurts from the past, substance abuse, raising kids and more, his book describes in detail how you can turn your marriage around.

Why Should I Try If He Won’t?

Don’t fall victim to the trap of, “Why should I Try If He Won’t?”

You will never be happy if everybody else has to make the first move and make you happy.

If you really want to create a loving marriage, you have to be willing to make the first move.

Instead of saying, “I should be worth it to him,” say to yourself, “He is worth it to me. Our family is worth it to me!”

I would recommend reading both books, Courtship After Marriage and The Five Love Languages.

Figure out what your husband’s love language is and do something every day using the tips from Gary’s book to show your love.

Remember, love is an action, not a feeling.

Take the instructions from Ziglar’s Courtship After Marriage and give your husband your unconditional love.

He will start to take notice and a person can only go so long receiving that kind of love from their spouse without needing to reciprocate it.

Make up your mind that you will have the marriage of your dreams and give it all you’ve got!

Are you feeling unloved in your relationship? Do you have any questions for me on the subject? Let me know by leaving a comment below; I do answer all of them!


what to do my husband doesn't love me


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6 thoughts on “Why Doesn’t My Husband Love Me? What Am I Doing Wrong?

  1. Julie, this was very helpful, and I am so happy I came across this article! I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort about relationships because there are so much content and detail. I have been in a relationship for about one year and three months, also being my first girlfriend too. Learning from other peoples mistakes has helped me, and I thank you for sharing this. I have read the ebook about the 5 love languages, but I forgot all about it! I will give it another look! Plus, I love Zig Ziglar, and I will definitely buy his book! Thank you for opening my eyes and helping my relationship!

    1. Thank you! I’m happy to hear you found it helpful. The things I mentioned in this post have done so much to improve my relationship and my perspective on life. It takes dedication and a determination to never give up but it’s all worth it in the end!

  2. I really like your advice to not consider divorce as an option. Too many people today think they can throw marriages away just like they throw used clothes away. That is a sad way to think and people should think better of themselves. Chances are they will come to the same conclusion that their husband does not love them in a new marriage, because they will continue to take their insecurities with them.

    1. I agree. I regret to say I spent years considering it as an option and it prevented me from ever truly trying to turn things around. It took the responsibility off of my shoulders when my insecurities and misguided perceptions were the reason I felt unloved.

      Chances really are quite high that, in this state, you’ll end up having the same feelings of not being loved if you get into another relationship.

  3. As much as this all hit home and are fantastic suggestions, my only question is this: If I’ve been doing things to show him I love him and to make him happy, what do I do if he rarely, if ever, reciprocates?

    1. Hi Deanna,

      I appreciate you stopping by and am sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. I know it’s hard and lonely and I hope I can help.

      I have a couple questions I want you to consider.

      You mentioned you’ve been showing him you love him and doing things to make him happy, but he rarely reciprocates.

      Do you know what his love language is? Are you doing things that match his love language so that he will register the actions as love?

      Does he know what your love language is? The book has a great couples quiz you can both take together to discover what both of your love languages are. He may simply not know what makes you feel loved and might be trying to show you in his own love language.

      When was the last time you told him you appreciated him? When was the last time you praised and/or encouraged him for something he accomplished or something he did? Too many wives make the mistake of nagging their husband for all the things they think he is not doing instead of thanking him and expressing appreciation for the things he is doing.
      I know there are probably things that really irritate you (there is for most of us), but you have to recognize that it will probably never stop if you nag him or keep getting upset at him.
      Honestly, some things may never change, no matter what you do. I really appreciated the examples Zig brought up in his own book. He mentioned certain things he just learned to accept because he loved his wife, he loved their family, and part of being in a relationship is accepting your partner for the good and the bad. Nobody will ever be 100% what you want them to be.

      What are some of his good qualities? Why did you marry him? Write down a few of his character traits that you love the most about him and make a point of letting him know often.

      Does he know you need him? (Husbands want and need to feel that they are needed).

      If you’ve really done things over a good period of time and are still feeling unloved I would tell him! But don’t tell him when you’re upset or to start a fight. Start by telling him how much you love him and how much he means to you. Tell him why you feel unloved.

      I would ask yourself these questions and ask what more you can do for him to make him feel really loved. It’s just like the saying, “If you go out looking for a friend, you probably won’t find one. If you go looking to be a good friend, you’ll find more friends than you ever imagined.


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